Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Ultimatum my latest blog is going to be a HUGE rant. I tend to use this as my outlet so...that's what I am going to do.

The latest drama in my life is caused by none other than.....for those of you who know me can probably guess...MATT'S FAMILY! His brothers (M and Z) are not exactly the most upstanding citizens, shoot that's even giving them a little. They are the poorest excuse for a man that I can think of. Let  me give a little background for those of you that don't really know. Both of them are still living at home, (they are both over 30) not paying their mother a dime, in fact she pays ALL of their insurance, work insurance, child support, and even has purchased them both vehicles because they are unable to hold down a job because apparently friends and drugs are more important to them. They expect the entire world to revolve around them. The will think nothing of calling over here and asking Matt for money (despite the fact that he is laid off and we have a family...and it is Xmas time) so that they can put gas in their cars and when he refuses they get pissed off. They are extremely selfish, and will do ANYTHING it takes to get what they want and WHEN they want it. The one (Z) has even put his SON (S, who is 6) in danger by taking him to buy heroin FREQUENTLY in a not so nice part of town. He was finally arrested buying heroin with his son and his son spent the afternoon in a police holding tank until Matt's mother was able to get to him. This isn't the 1st time he has been arrested, but it was the 1st time he had his son with him. The other one (M) has also been arrested his fair share of times...his latest is a felony gun charge, he was picked up at a KNOWN crack house and he had an unlicensed gun on him. Anyway.....their mother has ALWAYS bailed them out. However she complains to Matt and I about what losers they are, and how tired she is of everything that they do, and the situations  that they are always putting her in. After the time that Z was arrested with S she swore that she couldn't let him back into the house, and he HAD to go to rehab. Well, that latest all of about 2 days. She bailed him out of jail and then let him back into the house. He was supposed to get rehab (court ordered) so that he could maintain visitations with his son. Well she was set to take him to rehab, and then he talked her out of it, saying that he could do it at home. (which mind you she has done numerous times before, because she thought she could cure him with the Bible) Well needless to say that DIDN'T work. They are both still using, and stealing in the process. They have stolen from her, set up a payday loan in Matt's name, and stolen from random people. The friends that they hang out with are constantly in trouble as well. But anyway....


Our most recent dilemma is they are being accused of stealing power tools (which I wouldn't doubt. Z has been showing Matt these power tools that he SUPPOSEDLY bought at a pawn shop) from a VERY shady character. A friend of Matt's called him up on Saturday and told him that this guy (they are neighbors) is gathering a crew of guys to handle the situation (ie beat the shit of out Z and M) I, personally, was ok with this. They need something, maybe this is it. Well, Matt being the ass that he is decides that he needs to smooth things over. Well he tells this guy to give him a day or so to try to figure things out and see if he can find out any information. Well these guys were then "watching" our house Sunday. These guys are not people to mess with.  The one set his mother's house on fire WITH HER IN IT, because she was messing around with another man in there. They have also broken many of legs/arms to find out information. So, needless to say I am worried about MY family now because of this fucking mess that they are in. Well fast forward to  Monday night. The guy calls our house (YES he found our phone number) and told Matt to take him over to his mother's garage so that he can see if his tools are there. Well, I know this guy isn't going alone so I told Matt, that he wasn't going. I told him to call his mom's house and see if his brothers were there. Well they were. Fine....problem solved, right? Call the guy back and tell him Z and M are there, and let THEM deal with it. Tell the guy that you don't talk to your brothers and have NO IDEA what they are into. Simple way to stay out of it. I have done it many times with my extended family. I don't want MY family...meaning Matt and the ANY situation or potential situation that could be dangerous to them. I don't want them associating with people that could potentially put us into a questionable situation. And I certainly won't be associating with anybody that would do it either. I have severed ties with one of my brothers after he stole money from my bank account, I have severed ties with my father because of things he has done in my past (and in doing that I have lost contact with 2 of my brothers, who were babies when I lost contact...his children from another marriage), I have minimal contact with my mother because of her choices she has made in regards to the men she dates and her drug/alcohol use. I don't have a problem severing ties in order to PROTECT my family. It is my job as a mother to do so. I will do anything....and I MEAN ANYTHING to ensure that they are safe, if that means severing ties with family then so be it. I know the old adage, blood is thicker than water. I agree with this in regards the family that *I* created. However, when people continuously put themselves and others in danger with the wrong choices, I find it hard to feel sympathy for them...FAMILY or NOT! I am a strong believer in the saying...You made your bed, you LIE in it! We are all free to make our own decisions in life and every decision that you make affects your next step in this life...and you and ONLY you are responsible for them.

Well, I got a little off track back on track. On Monday, the guy calls, Matt agrees to take him over there, I call his mom's house and realize his brothers are there, Matt then calls his mom and his dad to try to explain the situation to them. Well while he was talking to his dad, his brother M calls and starts screaming that he is suing the guy for defamation of character and slander because of these accusations (which by the way he ALWAYS does anytime he is busted on something) well while he is screaming at Matt, the guy shows up at the house (their mom's  house) and runs into Z...who was just getting home from hunting, and these guys come down the driveway and he pulls his gun out on them. Well during this M hangs up on Matt. Matt starts freaking out saying I have to go over there....fine...You go...I am calling the cops. Matt starts fighting me on this, telling me not to call the cops, he can handle it. Well I told him it didn't matter....if he walked out the door....911 was getting called. Well he calls his dad to see if  his dad was on the way...and then leaves to go over there. While Matt was arguing with me though about calling the cops, Z calls over here. He asks if Matt was here, I say...yep....*silence*.....he says....what's he doing? standing here. him...well can I talk to him? ok....well Matt gets on the phone and starts being all nice to him, coddling him like he always does. Well I have had enough and I press the hang up button. I refuse to allow Matt to enable them any further by babying them. Well Z calls back....Matt is telling me to tell them that I did it...I hung up on him. OK I don't have a problem with that.. I answer the phone. Z says...Jill is Matt there? Me....YEP....*silence* Z...can I talk to him? Me....NOPE....Z....hangs up.....2 secs rings.....its Z....Matt says don't answer I am going over there. Fine...he leaves. I call 911. Well apparently somebody else had already called and they were there. As Matt was leaving I told him to make sure that Z and M know NOT to call here anymore, I will no longer associate with them....they endangered my family...and I won't tolerate it. Matt says Fine. Well as I was calling the cops, Dawson was freaking out because he didn't want to see his uncles in trouble. Well at this point I was DONE.....completely done. I don't ever hide things from my children. I make certain that they know things that are going on. They know why we  don't see grandma often....they have never met my father...and they know why (for the most part)....and they also know about my brother as well. Well I told them....Z and M are bad people who do bad things and don't think about how their actions hurt the people around them.

Anyway....Matt comes home....starts explaining things to me, how the guy got loud....yet his brothers maintained calm (they were stoned)....and the cops didn't really solve anything because they weren't able to get into the one garage. Well...anyway....I decided that I didn't want to hear anymore because Matt had EVERY excuse to defend his brothers. I am tired of hearing it. I am not sure why that entire family continues to defend their actions. Blood isn't THAT THICK! So....5 mins later the phone's his mom's house. I pick up. It's Z....he says...hey Matt there? me...yep....*silence*.....Z....well can I talk to him? please don't call here anymore. Thank you bye. I hang up. Phone rings's Z....I picked up...hello....he starts screaming...I don't know what the fuck your problem with me is. I haven't done anything to you. Me...Yes you have....You are getting my family involved in shit that it doesn't need to be in....Z starts screaming again...fuck you're such a bitch....then hangs up on me. Dawson overheard all this and was now devastated that his uncle was such an ass. Fine....I tell Matt...there are you happy. Are you going to finally wake up and realize the shit that those 2 put this family through? And are you going to call back over and stand up for YOUR family....Me and the kids. To which he then started this. It's your battle. Fine....just as I suspected....they mean more to you than we do. Why in the FUCK are you still here then? I just, for once, want you to stand up for me to your family. I want to come 1st. I want to matter more. Well he says he isn't calling over there to sever ties until this deal with the trailer is done. (That's another story...but he is going to get screwed over by M yet again.) Well...I won't wait that long. I told him he has till the end of the week to choose....US or THEM. As much as I HATE putting up this ultimatum it HAS to be done. I won't continue to risk my family's health and well being for a bunch of low life drug addicts.

Friday, July 25, 2008


Love. What is love? Well the dictionary defines love as follows:
Main Entry: 1love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration love> b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR
7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized, Christian Science : GOD
Love is such an intense, complex, complicated emotion to define that even the dictionary has 9 different (though sort of the same) ways to describe it. But this doesn't really tell you what LOVE really is.
Love has no boundaries, at least it shouldn't if it is "real" love. You cannot limit love based on gender, color, age, religion, or status for that matter. So, this actually has me thinking, if love has no boundaries and you cannot control who you love, then who is to say that you cannot love more than one mate. Now, just hear me out. I am not saying that we ALL should take on multiple partners, or become polygamists or anything like that, just think about this with an open mind.
Love is a very complex emotion, and can be determined and felt in many different ways. I mean, we certainly do not love every person in the same way. We don't love our parents the same, we don't love our friends the same, and most parents (even though they will deny it) don't love their children the same. This isn't saying that we love one child more than the other, we just love them differently. We love them each for their own personalities. Now still keeping your mind open, transfer all of those emotions onto a "mate." Is there a reason, other than society's taboo, that we cannot fully love two mates, I mean obviously no two people are the same, so they can both bring you a very intense feeling of love, even though they may be different kinds of love. Just as we love our children for their individual traits, the same can be said for lovers.
Perhaps polyamorists/polygamists know something more about love and life than we do. Putting religious and societal convictions aside regarding marriage and union, these people are allowing themselves to love and be loved by more than one person, which one would think would give each individual a sense of feeling completely loved. I know there are times in my relationships where I feel that things are lacking, and despite open communication there are times when these voids cannot be filled by my one mate, whether it be because he is not capable of doing what I would like, or whether it be a time constraint, or the fact that he just really does not want to fulfill that need. And I am sure the same can be said for him as well. I am sure that I don't fulfill his every desire either, and finding another mate that would fulfill that could possibly make things better for all of us involved. Granted this would all have to be experiences with an open mind, because jealousy can be a cruel emotion.
Now, no bashing here. I realize that relationships are supposed to be a compromise, and on all the "important" issues it should be. This is what makes a relationship work. But what about on the not so "important" issues, like going to the theater or the ballet, or certain hobbies and things. Why not spare your one "mate" the agony of attending these, as spare yourself the lack of enthusiasm (and possibly the following arguement) by attending this with another "mate" who enjoys it?
Ok...say I wiki'd love as well...and this is what wiki has to say about it:

The definition of love is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection. In ordinary use, love usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing, including oneself (cf. narcissism). Dictionaries tend to define love as deep affection or fondness.[1] In colloquial use, according to polled opinion, the most favoured definitions of love involve altruism, selflessness, friendship, union, family, and bonding or connecting with another.[6]
The different aspects of love can be roughly illustrated by comparing their corollaries and opposites. As a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of like), love is commonly contrasted with hate (or neutral apathy); as a less sexual and more mutual and "pure" form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with lust; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is commonly contrasted with friendship, although other connotations of love may be applied to close friendships as well.
More on it here....LoveNow I know it is talking about lust here, but that is not what I am talking about. Yes, I know many people get love and lust confused. But what I am talking about is fully loving two or more people. I don't want to bring religion or societal taboo into this, just your heart and emotions. Granted many outside influences affect how we personally view things, which is why I like to look at everything with an open mind, and that's all I am asking of you. Look at this with an open mind, a completely open mind. What are your feelings on this?

Babies, Bush, Bullets, Bombs and some Babbling..another from MySpace @ Oct 2007

No Faith=No Moral...June 2007

No Faith=No Morals?
I have been meaning to blog about this for quite sometime (I know Danielle, get off my back * but have been trying to find the right words to get my point across. Not sure these are the "right" words, but here I go anyway.
The subject of this actually came about because Matt's mother asked me to help her out with a topic for her philosophy class. The question that she needed an answer to was: If a person has no religion, does that make them an immoral person? Ok...and for those of you who DO know about Matt's mom then you should know her answer to this....and if you KNOW me you should also know that we DON'T see eye to eye on this one. But, the topic has been brought up on several other occassions as being the latest one and being that it is all fresh in my mind. I will sit here and blog about it. (You all know that I LOVE to blog about "hot button" topics.) lol
By definition morality is as follows:
Morality (from Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behaviour") refers to the concept of human action which pertains to matters of right and wrong—also referred to as "good and evil"—used within three contexts: individual conscience; systems of principles and judgments—sometimes called moral values—shared within a cultural, religious, secular or philosophical community; and codes of behavior or conduct morality
So the point that Matt's mother was trying to make is that if you do not follow "God's word" you are immoral (or in other words evil). But according to "God's word" you should not judge, Though I have found myself in many situations that I am being judged on my unconventional lifestyle, and honestly in almost every one of these situations the judgement is being passed by a Christian. Which is just another example of the hypocrisy within the Christian religion. I have found that Christianity sort of follows a 'do as I say, not as I do' mindset.
Generally speaking, Christian parents are preaching to their children that they should love all persons equally, but yet on the other hand they are dismissing a gay person's right to wed. Many Christians frown upon homosexuality saying that "God" feels that homosexuality is a sin, but yet "God" teaches us to love each other equally. Well how is that so if homosexuality is a sin. A person cannot help who they fall in love with.
Still generally speaking Christian parents preach to their children that you should not judge another. But yet these same people are passing judgement based on the unknown. I understand that people fear the unknown, but just educate yourself before passing judgement. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I have never passed judgement, because certainly I have. I would be lying if I told you otherwise. I like to think I am pretty non-judgemental (and I think some people will vouch for that as well) and for the most part I will give anybody the benefit of the doubt. I base my judgement on the way that a person carries themselves and through their actions rather than just by their lifestyle. I have friends from very different walks of life, some are conservative Christians, some are liberal atheists but the wonderful thing about that is that they are all open minded and non judgemental and realize that people can be different, and have different beliefs but still be respectful of each other.
I am sure that any parent, not just Christian parents, strive to instill these same values in their children. But I think this is where I differ. I do not preach to my children, we do not attend a church, nor do we speak of "God" in our house. But that does not mean that I don't instill morals in my children.. My children have never heard me put somebody down based on their lifestyle, and I will try my hardest to keep it that way. They realize that everybody on this Earth is different and that is what makes it wonderful. I am also trying to teach my children that it is ok to be different. And for the most part I think I am succeeding. I have raised some wonderfully, free thinking children who have their own opinions and will stand by their convictions. And I can only hope that it will continue throughout their adult lives....AND I have done all of this through being an example of how a person should act, not by preaching a book of man made stories to them. Now if this makes me evil or immoral than so be it. But I think that many people can attest to the fact that I am not an evil person and my children aren't heathens. In fact, I am sure that people can vouch for what exciting, independent, strong, free thinking WONDERFUL children that I do have.

Out of the Closet... June 2007

n today's society hiding in the closet when you are "out of the norm" is quite the "norm" ironically, and this weekend confirmed that for me. Dawson, Kyley, and I went to visit visit a friend and her family this weekend and Dawson and Z (my friend's son who is the same age as Dawson) had quite the interesting conversation, which actually sparked the thought for this blog. So the setting is....we(Dawson, Z, and I are in the tent in the backyard (it was National Backyard Campout Day on Saturday, did you know that?), and Dawson was wanting to go sit out of the tent, and I asked why and he really didn't answer, so I was kind of figuring that he was wanting to nurse but wasn't sure what Z would think. So I whispered to him, do you want to go outside to have "boob"? And he said yes....I said...just roll over and you can have some. And he said...wait...and the conversation goes as follows: (It reminded me of an AA meeting or
D: "Z" how old are you?
Z: I am 5.
D: Do you drink boob?
(apparently Z didn't really hear correctly...or was unsure of what Dawson was talking about)
Z: Ya I drink it.
D: Oh good...Me too.
Then Dawson apparently satisfied with the fact that he is not "abnormal" rolls over and nurses to sleep.
Ok...this is HORRIBLE that a 5 year old feels the need to hide the fact that he is still nursing for fear of what other's will say or do to him. We have been in quite a few situations over the past 2 years or so where people approach him and ridicule him for nursing, usually telling him that he is "too big" or "that's gross" or "that's for babies"
We, as Americans, are pressured into hiding in the closet sometimes in fear of our lives for being different. Society can be so evil and hateful especially when faced with people who walk outside of the mainstream line.

Sticks and Stones.. June 2007

Ok, now I am sure that we have all been in a situation in which somebody has said something or called you something that was a bit offensive. But why? I know that we have all heard the childhood adage, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.' You are the only person that can determine whether or not a word/saying is hurtful. There was a discussion about this after the whole Imus situation. I think that children today are less phased by supposedly hurtful/vulgar words. I know that I am. Words only have the power to hurt if you GIVE them that power. Granted some words can be spoken harshly, but I think the tone of speech is more hurtful than the actual words said. Anything said in anger is hurtful, but those same words said in jest are not as hurtful.
On another note, I had a conversation about the fact that I allow my children to use any word they would like as long as they know the meaning of it and they are not allowed to use the word in any derrogatory context. I guess this comes from my liberal "out of the box" parenting style, but I don't see the harm in it. Now this doesn't mean that my children are using these words every other word, but occassionally you will hear them same 'sh1t' or '@ss' and I don't see the big deal. Why are these words considered "bad"? Any answers??? I have even looked up the etymology on these words and could not find an answer. Apparently a lot of these, @ss, f*ck, etc have all been commonly used without the vulgarity behind it through out history. Hmmmm another one of society's f*ck ups....(sorry for the coding...not sure if myspace will allow it with the actual typed wording)

Coming of Age...From Aug 2007

*sigh....The time has come, my baby girl has officially made the transition into "womanhood." It seems like just yesterday that I had this precious baby girl, who needed her mother for everything, wrapped up in my arms staring into her vibrant blue eyes as she suckled at my breast, as the minutes passed and her tummy filled up, her eyes would grow weary and she would nod off with the tiniest drop of milk dripping out of the side of her mouth. I would stare at her angelic face for what seemed like hours after she drifted off to sleep, wanting to capture every moment of her life and embed it deep in my memory. These memories soon would be all I had to cherish as the precious little angel that was lying in my arms would soon become a woman.
I knew that this moment would come at some point, but I still feel like I am not ready for this.The time comes in every parents' life when their child must grow and spread their wings and eventually fly off into their own life.This seems to have all come at such warp speed that I feel totally unprepared for the years ahead of me. I have always taken pride in the fact that I have allowed my children to grow and flourish into unique individuals while watching, encouraging, and guiding from the sidelines.
As I watch my beautiful baby girl begin this amazing journey into young womanhood, I can't help but get emotional. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I watched and encouraged her to let go of my hand and take her 1st wobbly steps across the kitchen floor in her favorite Barney footed sleeper. She would take a step or two and then reach back for me, so that she could steady herself. After many attempts on her part she decided it was time to go and took off giggling and waddling across the floor. She was off and wasn't looking back, I sat back and watched as she gained more confidence with each step. I saw her start to stagger a bit and I knew the fall was coming. I wanted to reach out to her and protect her from the fall, but I watched her slow her steps and attempt to steady herself on her feet. When she fell I sat back and just encouraged her to get up and try it again. I knew then that I would not be there to save her from every "fall" throughout her life. As much as I want to preserve the innocence of my children and protect them from the "falls", I know that is not reality.
Even though she shed the Barney sleeper years ago, her wobbly steps became confident strides, and the need for my hand to "steady" her has diminished it will always be there for her when she needs it. I am now sitting here staring at this outgoing, confident young lady curled up on the couch fast asleep wondering where the time has gone. There are times that I wish we could trade in the talks about boys and feminine hygiene for singing all of those horrific Barney songs that I loathed years ago. But I know the time has come to allow this transition to naturally take its course and prepare for what the future holds. I am sure than in 20 years time as I am watching my baby girl bring her own baby in to this world (if she chooses that is) I will look back at this "milestone" and wonder what the big deal was, just as I sit here today and wonder why I was so emotional on that day that she let go of my hand in her Barney sleeper.

Love or not... 2007

Love or not....
Current mood: tired
Category: Romance and Relationships
So as with all of my other blogs, this topic was brought on by a conversation at work. I love making people actually think. The question at hand was/is what is the difference between loving somebody and being "in love" with somebody? The answer that I was given was that when you are in love with somebody it is an intimate and sexual feeling whereas loving somebody is just about caring for them, nuturing them, and not wanting to see anything bad happen to that person. Which means if this is true then my blog about Love is TRUE, a person CAN fully love more than one person.
I questioned this by asking, being in love is about the sexual intimacy does that mean that EVERYBODY that you have had sex with you were "in love" with? Which of course the answer was no, I think people are confusing being "in love" with somebody as romance or lust, sexually speaking.
I personally think that when somebody says 'I love him, but I am not "in love" with him." is a cop out because of the stipulation that society has placed upon us (as a whole). Polygamy is illegal in every state in the US because our laws are based upon fundamentalist Christian beliefs. Granted polygamy is speaking of marriage to more than one person, but this carries over to a committed relationship as well because of the way society is. If a person were to pronounce their love for two people they would be shamed and condemned by much of society. So, we have come up with a way around that by using the term "in love" as a way around people thinking that we actually love two people.
Love is love, no matter how you put it. Yes there are varying types of love, but it is still love. No two loves are the same, no matter how you look at it. One person does not EVER love a person the same as another. I love my children differently, I love Matt differently that I love my children, and I love him differently than I have ever loved another lover in my life and I am sure that if the time ever cam that I found somebody else I wouldn't love them the same as I love Matt. Love is a generalized word....and it is just that a word, the emotion and feeling that you put behind it is up to you. Everybody views love differently.
As for the sexual aspect of things, intercourse is typically seen as a way of strengthening a bond between the persons engaging in intercourse, but in reality it is just a way of sharing pleasure, just like if I were to share a piece of chocolate or cheesecake. Or to share in a pleasurable activity with one of my children. A person engages in a pleasurable activity because it feels good...and let's face it, in most instances intercourse feels good no matter if there is love involved or not.

Marriage's been awhile since I have blogged, and the topic of marriage was brought up yesterday so I thought, well damn, here is the perfect opportunity to get back into it. So let me give you a little background.
Matt and I have been together 11 years now and have 2 children together, but we are not married. He asked 10 yrs ago when I was pregnant with our 1st child (together). I have a child from a previous relationship. I turned him down at that point. His mother had a lot to do with the reason he asked I thought, and still do think that but that's beside the point. I told him then, if he could give me one, JUST ONE, valid reason as to why we should marry then I would. It was simple I thought. I wasn't asking for a lot. So, over the years marriage really wasn't a topic of conversation. I had figured that he had finally realized my point, that marriage is just an outdated religious ritual for people to show their "god"/community that they "love" each other. If you are married, don't take offense. If you feel strongly enough that you wanted to be married that's fine. It's your choice. This is just MY personal take on the subject. But I was wrong, we have been having some pretty intense relationship issues over the past 2 months or so. And yesterday he said to me, "This is all your fault. You could change this you know." At this point I was confused, though I shouldn't have been because according to him I am the controller of the entire universe. I control the weather (in times of bad weather when there is something that he can't/won't crazy heat wave that we had a few weeks ago was because I wanted to ruin the 1st weekend of archery season.) So next time you are pissed at the weather, just blame me because apparently I have total control over it. Anyway, I asked him what he meant. And he said, "Just remember that all those years ago, you rejected me." Ok, so the reason that he has trouble prioritizing and making any attempt at working on this relationship is because I won't marry him. I told him that I didn't quite understand this logic. Apparently because I won't agree to take part in this "ritual" means that I am not commited to this relationship, commited to living life together as a couple, commited to this family. Ok, so let me get this straight. In order to "prove" that I am commited, I have to present in front of "god", which mind you is an idea that I don't believe, and he questions as well. I was having trouble understanding this logic, so I wiki'd Marriage Dang I love wiki !! And the definition of marriage is as follows.

Marriage is an interpersonal relationship with governmental, social, or religious recognition, usually intimate and sexual, and often created as a contract, or through civil process.
The reasons people marry vary, but usually include one or more of the following: legal, social and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love.
Breaking down this definition, marriage brings governmental recognition, ok, exactly what kind of recognition because shoot I like to stay as far under the radar with the government as I can. All joking aside though I am assuming they are talking about recognition in regard to taxes. You supposedly get a bigger tax break if you are married and I can disprove this theory. It  has always worked out better for us regarding taxes with us NOT being married, health insurance purposes, again....I can disprove this as well. I am on Matt's health insurance as his "partner" and have had no issues with that., and in the event of a death the spouse has rights to material/monetary possessions of the deceased and a will can fix that problem. Also listing your partner/children as the beneficiary on any life insurance policies. Problem solved there. So I think that takes care of governmental issues. If you can think of something else...let me know so I can disprove that as well *wink
Social recognition. Back in the 1900's marriage was a way to increase power and wealth, as well as a way to bring peace to feuding families. Marriages were based upon responsiblity and wealth of the family unit, not love. In today's society this is no longer the way things are done, marriages are based on love rather than responsibility to the family unit, for the most part. So the need for social recognition due to a marriage contract is completely outdated. For those that disagree PLEASE tell me what I sort of social recognition I would get if I presented myself as married. Seriously.
So this brings us to the religious aspect of the marriage, which in my opinion, is one of the only reasons, along with mainstream society, as to why people feel the need to be married anymore. A large part of the American culture is based on Christianity, (Stay tuned for another blog specifically on this) So therefore many people feel the need to stand in front of "god" and their families and announce their devotion and commitment to each other. In the eyes of the Christian church marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. Its main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs. Its primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God. It is only in marriage that we are able to carry out the commission of God to replenish the earth and to subdue it. This commission by God can only be properly accomplished in marriage where the husband and wife, in faithful, covenantal relationship, purpose to glorify God by having children, training them in the ways of the Lord, and sending them out into the world. This is what marriage is for.
(Link above it is a link to one of the articles that I was reading)
After much research from different websites I have found the above statement to be the basis of marriage through Christian followers. Marriage is not meant to be solely about personal enlightment and happiness, but rather about bringing "god" happiness and glory because as a devout married Christian couple, the church and "god" are under the assumption that you are going to procreate and live the "word of god", training your children to live the "word of god" and then in turn be married and have children of their own to continue teaching the "word of god."
So with all that being said, I still stand my ground. Marriage is an outdated religious ritual in which unless you are a follower of "god" I feel that there isn't a valid reason as to why one should marry. Does this mean that I am not commited to the relationship that I am in? No, I am commited to my family and the relationship that I am in. In the time it has taken me to write this blog I have researched quite a bit on this topic, and have come across many interesting facts and opinions on the history of marriage and marriage today. I feel that as we progress intellectually as a society, many ideas/laws become outdated, but being a tradition based society we refuse to allow our stance on certain ideas/laws to progress as well. (more on this in the Christianity blog soon to follow)

Monday, June 16, 2008

Karate Kid

Dawson has been taking Tang Soo Do for a little over 2 years now and is REALLY enjoying it. Not to mention he is pretty freaking awesome at it. Last week he tested for his advanced red belt (red with a stripe) which leaves only about a year before he can test for his black belt. I cannot believe it. He is extremely excited to have his stripe.

(You can see his certificate in his hand at his side)



I thought I would just add a few "action" shots of his during testing.


Self Defense Take Downs



Breaking a board with a Wheel Kick



Friday, May 2, 2008

More on circumcision....

Ok, so oddly enough this was just posted to my myspace bulletins and I thought it was kind of appropriate.

Your Newborn Baby
Date: May 2, 2008 10:09 AM

After reviewing 40 years worth of medical studies, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Task Force on Circumcision concluded that the "potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision... are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision." While this 1999 policy may be revised soon, it is still the current official recommendation for parents and doctors.

Here are some highlights from the report:

Role of Hygiene

"there is little evidence to affirm the association between circumcision status and optimum penile hygiene.


STDs including HIV

"behavioral factors appear to be far more important than circumcision status.


Penile Cancer

"in a developed country such as the United States, penile cancer is a rare disease and the risk of penile cancer developing in an uncircumcised man, although increased compared with a circumcised man, is low.


Urinary Tract Infections

"breastfeeding was shown to have a threefold protective effect on the incidence of UTI in a sample of uncircumcised infants. However, breastfeeding status has not been evaluated systematically in studies assessing UTI and circumcision status." meaning that the earlier UTIs studies results were confounded.

Even if their numbers were accurate, in order to prevent one UTI during the first year of life by circumcising a baby boy, approximately 195 babies who will not get a UTI would need to be circumcised. Also infant girls commonly develop UTIs(in some studies at even higher rates than infant boys) and the standard treatment for them is antibiotics which works just as well for infant boys with UTIs. The AAP concludes this section noting that "the absolute risk of developing a UTI in an uncircumcised male infant is low (at most, ~1%)".


Of course here, they hedge and say while even though cutting off part of your baby's genitalia "is not essential to the child's current well-being" they are perfectly fine with parents and doctors using cultural tradition as justification. This report is also the first time the AAP has acknowledged(after decades of doctors mindlessly repeating the belief that babies don't feel significant pain) that circumcision without anesthesia is traumatic and if circumcision is to be done, anesthesia should be used.

I would like to know if the AAP thinks cultural tradition is an acceptable reason to cut off the clitoral hoods(biologically analogous to foreskin) of infant girls especially if it is done with anesthesia as is the case here: http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=xWvi475cYZY
(the video is not particularly graphic as it was made by a mother who had her own clitoral hood cut off when she was a baby and she wants to continue the tradition)

If you want, you can read the full AAP policy here: http://www. cirp. org/library/statements/aap1999/

If you want to share this with the videos and links intact, hit reply to poster and cut and paste the code into a new blog or bulletin.

Thank You:-)

I'll keep mine, thanks! as with a few of my other blogs, this topic was brought up my lovely place of employment...ha. We always have such wonderful conversations there. HA! Anyway, I was asked to aid in a debate topic....American involvement in Sudan....ok...fine...I can help out with that, but then I asked what the other topics were (out of curiosity) and she said comparing the war in Iraq with Vietnam...(damn I could have gotten all over that one), something else...shoot I forget now...but it was another topic that I would have JUMPED at the opportunity to debate about, and then female genital mutilation (AKA female circumcision.) DAMN I want to debate about THAT...not here folks you have it: My take on  genital mutilation.

We ended up talking about circumcision in general and argued discussed whether or not male circumcision was equivalent to female mutilation. The argument  debate was over the fact that female mutilation was cruel and unusual punishment, where as a male circumcision was about hygiene and health benefits. I personally feel that anytime you cut something off of a person's genitals, it is mutilation.

Circumcision is just a term that we use for males so that we can justify the fact that we are MUTILATING their bodies WITHOUT their consent. I agree with the fact that female circumcision is cruel, especially when you consider the fact that most of the time this is being performed by a person without a medical degree, in a hut/home somewhere, without anesthesia and using crude instruments such as glass or sharp rocks. But, boy does this sound familiar! During a Bris, a male child is handed of to a Mohel (who by the way does NOT have a medical degree, they are taught by senior Mohels), in the comfort of your own home WITHOUT anesthesia. Granted this isn't the case in every male circumcision, but in the case of a religious circumcision it is. In Africa and the Middle East, religion was claimed to be the reason for female circumcisions, despite the fact that it wasn't stated in the their religious books. The National Health Organization banned ritual female  circumcision in the early 70s siting that it was cruel and unjustified. However, ritualistic male circumcision was still widely being practiced and to this day it is still a common procedure.

One the points brought up in our conversation were the fact that the uncircumcised penis is dirty because of the build up of smegma that can occur. But what one doesn't realize is that women have smegma as well. Normal daily hygiene practices can drastically reduce this in both uncircumcised men and women. So, if this were a valid argument in favor of male circumcision then women should technically have their labia majoris removed to avoid the build up of smegma that could occur if one was non-hygienic. Another point that was basically along the same lines of hygiene was that it was more work to clean an uncircumcised penis, which is COMPLETELY untrue. Normal daily cleansing is all that is needed when caring for the uncircumcised penis. And on this topic I have SEEN men shower. In every man I have seen spends nearly 90% of their time washing their penis. SERIOUSLY! Have you ever seen the mass email that went around about How a Man/Woman Showers. It says something along the lines of wash face, wash penis, wash arm, wash penis, wash chest, wash penis....funny but OH SO  TRUE! So, my point is that men take a lot of time cleaning their penis so I am sure washing an uncircumcised penis would not require any more attention than a man typically gives his penis anyway.

With all that being said, I did allow my son to be circumcised, against my better judgement. I don't have a penis (obviously) so I allowed his father to pressure me into getting the procedure done. I was given the 'I want my son to look like me' guilt trip. I regret it. I think it's the ONLY thing in life that I DO regret. Thankfully he still has a lot of foreskin there so it would be able to be stretched in the  future if he decided he wanted to grow it back. YES you can REALLY do that. lol

Mutilation is an act or physical injury that degrades the appearance or function of the (human) body, usually without causing death. Technically speaking piercings (even though I don't think that they degrade the body) are mutilation. So apparently I am not COMPLETELY against female genital mutilation.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.......tag! You're it!

Friday, April 18, 2008

You're kidding, right? of you that actually know me, know that I am not too keen on the so called medical professionals. Well I took Britt to her doctor about a month or so ago because she had a little lump in her cheek area. Well while we were there he was extremely condescending. I know a lot of  it was because of how old I actually look...and because Britt is 14 years old. YES...I *was* a teenage mother, but I was a VERY good mother even at that age...and I am still a good mother now. But, anyway....we get there and he asked if I had realized that this lump had grown and  I told him that I wasn't really sure. And he point blank said, "and you ARE her mother, right?" WTF is that?!?! Yes I am her mother. We JUST had found this lump @ a week or so prior to the appointment and I don't make a habit of sticking my hands in my childrens' mouths all the time. But...anyway...ok he is an @ssh*le. So, he points out that she hasn't been in for a physical in a while and she is due for vaccinations. Ok, well I knew he was talking about the HPV vaccine which I have researched and opted out of. But, I ended up making the appointment anyway for a "check-up."


So, fast forward to today. I take Britt in for her check-up and she wasn't really happy with the idea of going in, but...whatever. I told her she wouldn't be getting any vaccines, he was just going to basically look her over because she needed a form filled out for the school anyway. So...the nurse weighs her (110lbs), measures her (59 7/8in...ALMOST 5ft), gets her BP (120/58), and then starts handing out forms about vaccines that she *should* be getting this visit. Chicken pox...(nope it's a useless vaccine, plus she has a 3 mo brother at her dad's house that could potentially get the CP), HPV (again, nope...this vaccine hasn't been studied enough for me to even remotely CONSIDER agreeing to this...I do my research) and Hepatitis A (oh shoot didn't research that one, but considering that the *risk* groups are homosexual men, IV drug users, and persons working with infected primates, I don't feel the need.) Anyway....he started lecturing me on the importance of childhood vaccines, and how with the HPV vaccine they really want to get it into girls between 11-14  years old because of the age that children are becoming sexually active. And then he asked if I knew the *risks* of not getting hem. Yes I do, thank you for making me aware. I have done my research. Then he said...well I just want  you to know that I feel very strongly about vaccines. I think that they are completely safe. And I wouldn't recommend something that I wouldn't give my own daughter. And I still calmly said...well thank you for that. But these vaccines haven't been out for very long and there really aren't any long term studies on them so we are still going to pass. He finally dropped it...sort of. he asks about her grades, about her period, about sex, drugs, and alcohol....asks her if she knows anybody in her grade that smokes cigarettes or does drugs or drinks. She said, I am sure there are but I don't really associate with them. Then he asked me if I had talked with her about these things. Yes I have, despite the fact that you think I am a HORRIBLE *teenage* mom....I have an AWESOME relationship with my children and we speak freely about nearly everything. (no I didn't say ALL of that.) So then he checks her over and tells me she looks great, extremely healthy EXCEPT for the fact that her weight has popped up a little. (Ummm ya dickface see those things on her chest...they are BREASTS....and see in the past year she has entered puberty and gotten some hips and @ss to go along with those I didn't say that either...I was TRYING to be nice.) Yes..I realize she has put on weight but she did grow 6 inches or so, and hit puberty. Well....she is a bit heavier than she is tall....(umm...ok?!?) Then he proceeds to tell her that she really needs to get more active, and she should be doing 1-2hrs of hard core, make you sweat, exercise daily so that she can get to a *healthy* weight. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So basically he was telling her ya you are fat!


(Ok....1st off we have just gotten out of a NE winter....yes it probably isn't the BEST excuse but we aren't very active in the's hard to be motivated, but all spring/summer/fall long we are EXTREMELY active....swimming, hiking, biking, jumping on the trampoline, playing kickball, baseball, and just running around.) Britt started telling him now that the weather was getting better she is outside all the which point I was FUMING! WHY in the HELL am I letting my daughter VALIDATE her PERFECTLY NORMAL body with this @ss. So....we got up to leave. And I made the decision to find her a new doctor.


I cannot believe that this man is a pediatrician. I cannot believe that he is still practicing after giving this advice. I mean does THIS look *unhealthy* to you:


Brittany 1 month ago...




Hmm....perfectly normal to me it seems. But if this is the advice that doctor's are giving out, and add in the media's portrayal of a woman's body it's no freaking wonder that we have an extremely high number of young girls who have eating disorders. As we were leaving the office, Britt was commenting on how she is one of the smallest ones of her friends and she didn't *THINK* she was "fat". UGH UGH UGH!!! Nothing like creating a little insecurity in a young girl who had amazing confidence!! WTG F*CKING @sshole!!!!


I did speak to her about it....and she is ok, she knows he is a complete idiot and we will be finding a new doc ASAP! So...hopefully we have avoided any horrific issues in the future.


Ah.... I feel better...thanks! lol

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Universe hates me right now!

I don't recall doing anything horrible. We have been making a conscious effort to 'Go Green' here in our house so that we can Save The Planet. I was green and crunchy before this but we are doing everything in our power to reduce and reuse the waste that we are putting back into the Earth. So I am not sure exactly what I have done to have such horrible Karma coming my way this week. But I do.

Yesterday, I woke up and went to turn on my PC as I do every morning and NOTHING! No power at all. Hmm. So I went on my laptop to try some troubleshooting tips only to find out that my motherboard was bad. UGH UGH UGH! Thankfully I had my laptop as backup, though I really don't like being on it. Well, after coming to grips with the fact that I had just lost ALL of my music and photos, I was ok with it. I had that computer for @ 7yrs lasted a good while for the  usage that it had been through. Most of my photos were backed up to an online storage site and I can order CDs through there. (And I have learned my lesson. I will be backing up at least my photos on a monthly basis.)

The day went pretty well after I sulked for a bit about my PC. The weather was amazing, despite the fact that it was damp. We ended up letting the kids ride their bikes around the neighborhood for about an hour, and Gypsy and I walked/jogged. During our ride/walk we ran into Matt's brother, who repairs PCs, and he said he had a tower with a good motherboard and he could transfer all my components and have my desktop up and running within a few hours. All for only $30. SWEET! So...we took the tower back over to him, and he said he would have it done for me by this morning.

So...this morning I woke feeling refreshed after our great evening (oh how I love warmer evenings.) We went to the ATM to get the money out for my PC repair, only to find a negative balance. WTF?!?! So...I come home and check my account only to find that my car insurance doubled charged us. UGH! This is the 3rd time they have done this in the past few years, I am thinking it might be time for a change. So, I checked with the bank and then called my ins. company to let them know about it. Well I faxed over all I needed to, and they called me back to say I am not sure we can refund this. WHAT?!?! Well it is still a pending transaction and until it actually posts to my account they won't fix it. The amount is the EXACT same amount as my ins payment that came out YESTERDAY! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! Anyway...I transferred money from our savings account to cover the bank error but this is still frustrating. Universe, I am begging for forgiveness. I am trying to be a better person inside and out, I promise to do good for the planet and the people who inhabit this planet. PLEASE allow my week to get better. I am not asking for a great week, just your average run of the mill week. Thank you!

Friday, March 28, 2008 the EXTREME!

Ok, let me start saying that I am a very liberal, strong, independent young mother that is teaching my children to question authority when necessary and to make a statement and stand up for what they believe in.

I am going to start out with a reference to Wiki as I do often in my blogs.


**Egalitarianism is a political doctrine that holds that all people should be treated as equals from birth. Generally it applies to being held equal under the law, the church, and society at large. In actual practice, one may be considered an egalitarian in most areas listed above, even if not subscribing to equality in every possible area of individual difference. For example, one might support equal rights in race matters but not in gender issues, or vice versa.**


I believe that all people, regardless of race, religion or gender, should be treated equally without question. Despite the fact that there are still many instances in which people are singled out, for good and bad. I know that we society are trying to allow all people every opportunity to grow equally. Whether that is having a female football player or a male cheerleader,  having a female CEO and a stay at home dad. I think it is great that we as a society have become open-minded enough for this to happen, but society has taken this to the extreme in some instances. I was recently in a situation that has proven this. I was at the pharmacy picking up a prescription of antibiotics for Dawson and the lady at the counter asked if the medicine was for a boy or girl. So I said..."umm...a boy. Why?" And her response was that so that she knew which color syringe to give him. HUH?!?!? Are you kidding me? We, as a society, have become so "politically correct" that we have to give our children medicine in pink or blue syringes!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! So not only do we have the option for boy/girl toys at McD's but we also have the option of a boy/girl medicine dispenser as well.

I really HATE gender stereotyping, and I think that it hinders a person's growth. I have tried to not stereotype my children and allow them to grow and blossom into their own personalities. Take this for example:



He carried the purse around for well over a year, he always put his keys and a toy car in there. Sure we got weird looks, but this was Dawson at that age. He was exploring the world completely without interference from the harsh stipulations of today's society, which is how it should be. I think people are more prone to comment when it is a male doing something generally thought of to be traditionally a fit for a woman, which I think is partly because we live in a profoundly homophobic society.

I don't recall people staring nearly as much when my girls were playing with trucks, climbing trees or playing with bugs. IN FACT it was the complete opposite reaction. With the girls people welcomed the fact that they were "strong and independent"....where as having a boy that was "soft and gentle", he was seen as "weak." And in today's society "weak" men are seen as inferior. Gotta love the double standard there.

Anyway....I guess I have rambled on enough and went a little off track there. But what I am basically trying to say is that today's society is so worried about offending people and creating lame ass reasons to make people believe that we are all equal when in reality we are not. Society still has, and probably always will have, stipulations in what is "normal" in regards to equality.