Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why try?

Seriously....why try? I wish I knew. I am always trying to be the "bigger person" when it comes to dealing with my mother. This woman has put me through hell and back, and yet somehow I still end up being the adult in the situation. There have been many times that I have told myself that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I was not going to maintain contact with her, I was not going to allow her to affect her the way she does. However it never happens quite as planned. For some reason I end up feeling guilty because my children really have a lack of involvement from their grandparents. I want them to know their grandparents, I really do. However when they are less than interested there really is nothing that I can do about it, but it still hurts me just the same. I want them to have a grandparent that is involved in their lives and wants to see them as often as they can, but I have come to terms with the fact that my children just aren't that important to her, even though according to her it is my fault that she doesn't see them. Apparently I withhold them from her, because you know she calls OH so much to see them. My younger 2 really don't know her, nor does she know a thing about them. They don't really address her as grandma, but can you blame them? I want to say Dawson has seen her maybe 3-4x a yr since he was born, most of the time for all of about 10 mins. They refuse to get close to her, she will ask for a hug and they just look at her like she is freaking insane. Apparently this is my fault as well. I have brainwashed them into not liking her.
It really is a shame because my children are missing out as well. But I have to get over this. My children ARE better off without her in their lives. There will never be a broken promise, they will never have to see her battered and bruised because she insists on allowing a man to beat her, they will never have to hug her and wonder what the stench is coming off of her. They will never have to hear her tell them 'I have given you everything....oh right except love' (and yes she did once tell me that)

I will no longer allow her any control of my life. I will not invite her to another function, however I will behave if I do see her at a family function. I will continue to be the adult, I have always been when it comes to her. But, I have come to realize that I am better off without her as are my children.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I think we are living similar lives... :((((