Monday, May 9, 2011

A Letter to my mother

I will start off by saying Happy “Mother’s” Day to you, but this will be the last time you get this acknowledgement from me. I no longer want anything to do with you nor do I want your lame attempts at being a grandmother to my children. They deserve better, as do I. I am tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt and waiting for your “teenage” years to pass. I realize that you lost a lot of that because you were busy supposedly being a “mother.” Well I have waited over 18 years for you to get out of this phase and I am done waiting for you to grow up and be the mother/grandmother that I was so hoping you could be. I gave up my “teenage” years to raise your sons. While you were out drinking and partying it up I was at home tending to 3 young boys instead of going out and enjoying my childhood. I should have been attending football games and school dances and having sleep overs with friends, but I couldn’t because I was too busy trying to keep our family together while you went out to have your fun because I knew that you had been tied down and not allowed to do anything after getting pregnant with me and then marrying dad. I thought it would last a year or two max, boy was I wrong. This is not to say that a mother should never go out and enjoy herself occasionally because I know that it is important to my sanity to get out every once in awhile with other adults to just have a good time. But, after that fun is all said and done, I come home to my children and back into my role as a mother to them. I was in the same situation that you were in at 16 years old but yet I have managed to be a responsible, loving, attentive mother to my children. I did go out and have fun after I left Ricky in a lame attempt to rebuild our relationship, little did I know that it wouldn’t work. I was so desperate to have a relationship with you, but I was not going to sacrifice my children for it. Our relationship just wasn’t, and isn’t, that important to me. I do not feel that you were EVER there for me. I mean you basically kicked me out after I got pregnant and then as I was giving birth as a newly 17 year old you were “out of town” with John, knowing full well that I was within days of my due date. You don’t think at a time like that having MY own mother there would have been nice? Thankfully Ricky’s mother stepped up to the plate with that. It’s pretty sad that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother and more of a grandmother to Kyley and Dawson than you ever were. For the 1st five years of Dawson’s life he didn’t think that I had a mother and he thought that you were “aunt.” What does that say about you? Not much that’s for sure.

I will not make this letter about all the horrific things that you have put me through because it’s just not healthy for me to relive it. I am finally at the point in my life where I am letting it all go. I know that our relationship failed because of you and your addictions and your lack of ability to love not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. I tried to make things work, I tried fostering a relationship between us and between you and my children, you were just unable and/or unwilling to allow it to happen. I am not sure why, nor do I care at this point because I am done. Completely. I do not want you to ever contact me or my children any longer. We do not want any of your lame attempts at saying that you care because we know differently. Yes even my children know. Do you realize that they place bets on how long you will stay when you drop something off because they know that it is a lame attempt on your part? They realize that your boyfriend who beats the shit out of you is more important than they are. They realize that you care more about grandchildren who you may never again get the chance to see (Hailey and Parker) than you do about them. So I leave you with these parting words from a very fitting song…”Perfect” by SimplePlan, as this sums up just about everything that I have been feeling over the past 25+ years.

“Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
but you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect”

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