Judgment

There is nothing more that I hate than being judged for living our life outside the norm. I am not one to make a rash decision. I research and try to find what works best for our family. I never go into anything blindly, at least not when it comes to my children or my family. I do not put my children at risk, whether that is physically, socially or emotionally. So it goes without saying that I am pissed off now that I am being called out yet again for my decisions. Decisions that I did not come into lightly.

The kids' grandfather has yet again bashed my choice to homeschool the children. He is concerned that they are not performing academically as well as their peers. Yet I find it odd that they never bring this up to me. They only bring it up to the kids' father who is not really present in their day to day activities so he has no clue about what they are doing. I wish they would say something to me about it. I have no concerns over the kids academics, I know that they know the same, if not more, than their age-related peers in terms of the core subjects, you know those ones that are only taught to achieve AYP (adequate yearly progress) in public schools. In terms of subjects that public school children are not tested on, they know much more. I am so tired of being called out in regards to what they are learning, especially from people who rarely interact with them. I know that their cousins are never quizzed about their knowledge of what society thinks they should know and I am almost certain that their parents are not questioned or judged about the education the children are receiving in public school. Even when these children are struggling with the academic aspect of public school the parents are never questioned. It seems as if only my choices are condemned because we refuse to "walk the line."





Apparently another concern is the fact that Dawson has never been in school, and probably will never be in school, so to them that means that my children are sheltered and do not have any friends. For those of you that know us know how laughable that is. Dawson is a very outspoken child who loves adventure and has never had a problem making friends. In fact often times we have quite the opposite problem with him. He makes friends where ever he goes. Often times on the playground Dawson has a following of children that look up to him and want to play with him. He will interact with people of all ages without concern. So I do not see how I am socially stunting my children by keeping them home. We belong to a wonderful, secular, home school co-op where the kids are able to interact with other children, and honestly they both have fallen right in with their friends, as if they have been a part of that group for years. We also have an amazing family that we get together with every week so that our children can play and explore together.

The kids also attend classes at the various museums, where they have had no trouble making friends. They each attend a karate school, again where neither of them had any issues blending into group. Kyley takes theater classes where she has made numerous friends as well. Making friends has never been a concern of mine, at least not since pulling Kyley from public school. I will admit that Kyley did have some shyness to overcome in her early years, but during those years she was not home schooling, she was attending the local public school. Since pulling her she has really come out of her shell, so yes let's blame home schooling for all of the social awkwardness in children. I am not doubting the fact that there are some home schooled children who are sheltered, mine however are not. We are rarely home because we are always out exploring everything that our city has to offer.




I really wish that these concerns would be brought up to me so that I could put all of their concerns to rest. I have researched everything that our family does, whether that is the food that goes into our bodies, the medications that we take, or the education that our children receive. We are doing what works best for us and right now not attending public school is what is working best for us.

I am THAT mom....

I am THAT mom, you know the one that slept with her baby (even in the hospital.)


I am THAT mom, you know the one that put cloth diapers on her baby's bottom and actually found it addictive to buy and/or sew cute little diapers for their bottoms.  


I am THAT mom, you know the one that breastfed all of her children until they were ready to wean, even though that was nearly 6 years old for one of them. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had a hat on her tiny little baby, unless of course they wanted one. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had socks or shoes on her tiny baby.


I am THAT mom, you know the one that wore her babies and barely ever put them down when they were under six months old. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never fed her baby jarred baby food. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her baby to eat dirt. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that did not hover and tell her children that they could not do something because they were "too little."


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her three year old son to get a mohawk. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that also allowed her four year old son to get his ears pierced and then gauged. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her twelve year old daughter to get her belly button pierced. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that took her seventeen year old daughter to get a tattoo. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that does not censor anything in regards to what my children listen to or watch. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that listens to her children's concerns and gives them advice without shaming or instilling fear into their minds. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allows her children to have a choice in  how they want to live their lives, exploring, experimenting and learning from their own mistakes. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that supports her children's decisions even though they may not be in line with her own beliefs.


I am THAT mom, you know the one that refuses to hide behind embarrassment when we discuss uncomfortable topics. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that strives to live a life where I am not controlling my children's actions but often falters due to societal pressures. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that wants to live a peaceful life but often falters and ends up screaming in frustration. 


I know that there are many aspects of my parenting that make people roll their eyes, like when my son walks out with shorts on, no shoes and no coat when it is forty degrees outside or like when I allow my children to pierce their bodies at "tender, young ages." My style of parenting definitely does not work for everybody, but it works for us. I am often questioned about my motives or my goals for my children as they grow. My goals and aspirations for them are just for them to be happy, healthy and confident young people who stand up for what they believe and know that no matter what I will love them regardless of their decisions and/or mistakes that they make. I, also, want them to know that they can come to me to talk about anything without feeling shamed and judged. I do not think there is anything more than I can ask for. 


I have witnessed parents who push their children so hard, wanting them to succeed in something that they feel will better their children's lives in some way shape or form. A lot of parents push their children so hard that it in turn makes them despise their parents and/or the activity that they once loved. I want my children to want to succeed in life because they are passionate about it, not because I forced them into it. I have always given my children the option to try out anything that they feel they would enjoy. My only stipulation is that if I pay for a semester or season that they do their best and complete it. If after that they don't enjoy it they can opt to not continue. Thankfully my children have been given the freedom to explore and have found activities that they are passionate about and excel at.

Opening Up

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into, perhaps one day I will take the plunge.









This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially those that are this deep and personal. I think this experience is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.




In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of a healing process that I am going through right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love, not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting, a true, honest and unconditional love.




My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession, my innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. When I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.




I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

Unexpected Conversation

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into. Perhaps one day.

This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially ones this deep and personal. I think this is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.

In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of myself right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love. Not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting. A true and honest and unconditional love.

My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession. My innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. And when I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough...or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.

I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

The man in my life

I have a man in my life who I love with every ounce of my being. I have a man in my life who has showed me how to break through societal norms. I have a man in my life who has shown me that it is possible to be true to yourself without concern over what other people think. I have a man in my life who would do anything to make me happy. This man is my son.

My son may be a nine year old boy, but he is an old soul. The way this boy bucks the system without a concern in the world is amazing to me. He has no problem speaking his mind even in a difficult situation. I often wish that I could be like him in this aspect. I have always been a person who speaks her mind, however I would shy away if I felt it wasn't my "place." My son has taught me that it is always my "place" to say something, to stand up for what is right, to stand up for those who are less fortunate, to stand up for those who are broken and weak, to stand up for what I believe. This young boy will stand up to anybody that he feels is in the wrong, it doesn't matter if you are young or old. Some may think this is disrespectful,  but I feel differently.

His words may come across as harsh, but that is not  his intention. He holds firm in his beliefs and is passionate about them. We recently were put into a situation where a father was being rather nasty to his child and he had the courage to stand up to that man, who towered over him, and call him out on his abusive behaviour, without even thinking. The father looked at him as if my boy was out of line. I am almost certain that he was thinking; Who is this child? Who does he think he is, telling me, an adult, that I cannot treat *my* child this way? My son did not let up on this man though. He firmly stated that the man was wrong for yelling at this young girl, he firmly stated that he did not need to grab her the way that he was because he was hurting her, he firmly stated that there were better ways to get compliance, if that is what he was after. And he did so as he stood there strong and confident. Years ago I would have never even thought to step into a situation like that  because it was "not my place." If it was not my place though, who's was it. This is what my son has taught me. If I don't stand up for that little child in all of us, who will?

Don't mistake his confidence and strength for an over inflated ego, because that is certainly not the case. This boy who stands strong, who is confident, who does at times, speak harshly, who enjoys rough and physical play is also a boy who is compassionate, who oohs and ahhs over cute little animals, who loves to cuddle with babies, who is respectful and chivalrous, who opens the car door for me and holds doors open for strangers, who would give up a toy to a young child or allow them to "beat" him at a game so they are not upset. He is also a child who will help out anybody who needs it.

As the parent of this boy who lives his life completely free, I ask you not to judge him. He may look scary to you, with his mohawk and loud voice but he means no harm. So if you see him talking to your child, or lifting them up so that they can climb over an obstacle, don't rush to their aid because I am certain they are ok. He would NEVER hurt them intentionally and chances are he would protect them with his life.

He is persistent and passionate. He tries my patience at times. He will also call me out if I falter in our belief systems. However, he doesn't do it without backing up his reason, which can be frustrating. I find myself testing my own limits and bucking societal norms with his actions and well thought out arguments. For example last night it was cold (35*) and he had on a short sleeved t-shirt and I was telling him, not asking, to put on a jacket, which is usually something that I am lax about, and he kept saying he didn't need one. I found myself pleading with him as we walked into an indoor play area. He finally said "Mom, everybody has different feelings. Just because you are cold doesn't mean that I am." *sigh* He was right. He is his own person, I know this, and most of the time I do not allow society to determine my feelings of worth as a parent, but for some reason yesterday I was feeling the need to walk within the societal norms without bucking the system and allowed that need of mine to get the  best of me. After his comment to me I took a look at whether or not that jacket was more important than his need to be himself. Even though this persistence of his works on my last nerve at times. This is the same persistence that enabled him to take the last five years in karate and train hard and earn his second degree black belt.

Before this precious boy came into my life I was broken. I still am broken, but I am heading down the path to being healed. This in part thanks to him. I watch him in wonderment as he lives his life as only he sees fit. It doesn't matter to him what society thinks, only what he thinks. I aspire to live my life with this freedom.