Judgment

There is nothing more that I hate than being judged for living our life outside the norm. I am not one to make a rash decision. I research and try to find what works best for our family. I never go into anything blindly, at least not when it comes to my children or my family. I do not put my children at risk, whether that is physically, socially or emotionally. So it goes without saying that I am pissed off now that I am being called out yet again for my decisions. Decisions that I did not come into lightly.

The kids' grandfather has yet again bashed my choice to homeschool the children. He is concerned that they are not performing academically as well as their peers. Yet I find it odd that they never bring this up to me. They only bring it up to the kids' father who is not really present in their day to day activities so he has no clue about what they are doing. I wish they would say something to me about it. I have no concerns over the kids academics, I know that they know the same, if not more, than their age-related peers in terms of the core subjects, you know those ones that are only taught to achieve AYP (adequate yearly progress) in public schools. In terms of subjects that public school children are not tested on, they know much more. I am so tired of being called out in regards to what they are learning, especially from people who rarely interact with them. I know that their cousins are never quizzed about their knowledge of what society thinks they should know and I am almost certain that their parents are not questioned or judged about the education the children are receiving in public school. Even when these children are struggling with the academic aspect of public school the parents are never questioned. It seems as if only my choices are condemned because we refuse to "walk the line."





Apparently another concern is the fact that Dawson has never been in school, and probably will never be in school, so to them that means that my children are sheltered and do not have any friends. For those of you that know us know how laughable that is. Dawson is a very outspoken child who loves adventure and has never had a problem making friends. In fact often times we have quite the opposite problem with him. He makes friends where ever he goes. Often times on the playground Dawson has a following of children that look up to him and want to play with him. He will interact with people of all ages without concern. So I do not see how I am socially stunting my children by keeping them home. We belong to a wonderful, secular, home school co-op where the kids are able to interact with other children, and honestly they both have fallen right in with their friends, as if they have been a part of that group for years. We also have an amazing family that we get together with every week so that our children can play and explore together.

The kids also attend classes at the various museums, where they have had no trouble making friends. They each attend a karate school, again where neither of them had any issues blending into group. Kyley takes theater classes where she has made numerous friends as well. Making friends has never been a concern of mine, at least not since pulling Kyley from public school. I will admit that Kyley did have some shyness to overcome in her early years, but during those years she was not home schooling, she was attending the local public school. Since pulling her she has really come out of her shell, so yes let's blame home schooling for all of the social awkwardness in children. I am not doubting the fact that there are some home schooled children who are sheltered, mine however are not. We are rarely home because we are always out exploring everything that our city has to offer.




I really wish that these concerns would be brought up to me so that I could put all of their concerns to rest. I have researched everything that our family does, whether that is the food that goes into our bodies, the medications that we take, or the education that our children receive. We are doing what works best for us and right now not attending public school is what is working best for us.

I am THAT mom....

I am THAT mom, you know the one that slept with her baby (even in the hospital.)


I am THAT mom, you know the one that put cloth diapers on her baby's bottom and actually found it addictive to buy and/or sew cute little diapers for their bottoms.  


I am THAT mom, you know the one that breastfed all of her children until they were ready to wean, even though that was nearly 6 years old for one of them. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had a hat on her tiny little baby, unless of course they wanted one. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had socks or shoes on her tiny baby.


I am THAT mom, you know the one that wore her babies and barely ever put them down when they were under six months old. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that never fed her baby jarred baby food. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her baby to eat dirt. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that did not hover and tell her children that they could not do something because they were "too little."


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her three year old son to get a mohawk. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that also allowed her four year old son to get his ears pierced and then gauged. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her twelve year old daughter to get her belly button pierced. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that took her seventeen year old daughter to get a tattoo. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that does not censor anything in regards to what my children listen to or watch. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that listens to her children's concerns and gives them advice without shaming or instilling fear into their minds. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that allows her children to have a choice in  how they want to live their lives, exploring, experimenting and learning from their own mistakes. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that supports her children's decisions even though they may not be in line with her own beliefs.


I am THAT mom, you know the one that refuses to hide behind embarrassment when we discuss uncomfortable topics. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that strives to live a life where I am not controlling my children's actions but often falters due to societal pressures. 


I am THAT mom, you know the one that wants to live a peaceful life but often falters and ends up screaming in frustration. 


I know that there are many aspects of my parenting that make people roll their eyes, like when my son walks out with shorts on, no shoes and no coat when it is forty degrees outside or like when I allow my children to pierce their bodies at "tender, young ages." My style of parenting definitely does not work for everybody, but it works for us. I am often questioned about my motives or my goals for my children as they grow. My goals and aspirations for them are just for them to be happy, healthy and confident young people who stand up for what they believe and know that no matter what I will love them regardless of their decisions and/or mistakes that they make. I, also, want them to know that they can come to me to talk about anything without feeling shamed and judged. I do not think there is anything more than I can ask for. 


I have witnessed parents who push their children so hard, wanting them to succeed in something that they feel will better their children's lives in some way shape or form. A lot of parents push their children so hard that it in turn makes them despise their parents and/or the activity that they once loved. I want my children to want to succeed in life because they are passionate about it, not because I forced them into it. I have always given my children the option to try out anything that they feel they would enjoy. My only stipulation is that if I pay for a semester or season that they do their best and complete it. If after that they don't enjoy it they can opt to not continue. Thankfully my children have been given the freedom to explore and have found activities that they are passionate about and excel at.

Opening Up

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into, perhaps one day I will take the plunge.









This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially those that are this deep and personal. I think this experience is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.




In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of a healing process that I am going through right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love, not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting, a true, honest and unconditional love.




My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession, my innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. When I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.




I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

Unexpected Conversation

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into. Perhaps one day.

This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially ones this deep and personal. I think this is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.

In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of myself right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love. Not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting. A true and honest and unconditional love.

My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession. My innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. And when I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough...or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.

I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

The man in my life

I have a man in my life who I love with every ounce of my being. I have a man in my life who has showed me how to break through societal norms. I have a man in my life who has shown me that it is possible to be true to yourself without concern over what other people think. I have a man in my life who would do anything to make me happy. This man is my son.

My son may be a nine year old boy, but he is an old soul. The way this boy bucks the system without a concern in the world is amazing to me. He has no problem speaking his mind even in a difficult situation. I often wish that I could be like him in this aspect. I have always been a person who speaks her mind, however I would shy away if I felt it wasn't my "place." My son has taught me that it is always my "place" to say something, to stand up for what is right, to stand up for those who are less fortunate, to stand up for those who are broken and weak, to stand up for what I believe. This young boy will stand up to anybody that he feels is in the wrong, it doesn't matter if you are young or old. Some may think this is disrespectful,  but I feel differently.

His words may come across as harsh, but that is not  his intention. He holds firm in his beliefs and is passionate about them. We recently were put into a situation where a father was being rather nasty to his child and he had the courage to stand up to that man, who towered over him, and call him out on his abusive behaviour, without even thinking. The father looked at him as if my boy was out of line. I am almost certain that he was thinking; Who is this child? Who does he think he is, telling me, an adult, that I cannot treat *my* child this way? My son did not let up on this man though. He firmly stated that the man was wrong for yelling at this young girl, he firmly stated that he did not need to grab her the way that he was because he was hurting her, he firmly stated that there were better ways to get compliance, if that is what he was after. And he did so as he stood there strong and confident. Years ago I would have never even thought to step into a situation like that  because it was "not my place." If it was not my place though, who's was it. This is what my son has taught me. If I don't stand up for that little child in all of us, who will?

Don't mistake his confidence and strength for an over inflated ego, because that is certainly not the case. This boy who stands strong, who is confident, who does at times, speak harshly, who enjoys rough and physical play is also a boy who is compassionate, who oohs and ahhs over cute little animals, who loves to cuddle with babies, who is respectful and chivalrous, who opens the car door for me and holds doors open for strangers, who would give up a toy to a young child or allow them to "beat" him at a game so they are not upset. He is also a child who will help out anybody who needs it.

As the parent of this boy who lives his life completely free, I ask you not to judge him. He may look scary to you, with his mohawk and loud voice but he means no harm. So if you see him talking to your child, or lifting them up so that they can climb over an obstacle, don't rush to their aid because I am certain they are ok. He would NEVER hurt them intentionally and chances are he would protect them with his life.

He is persistent and passionate. He tries my patience at times. He will also call me out if I falter in our belief systems. However, he doesn't do it without backing up his reason, which can be frustrating. I find myself testing my own limits and bucking societal norms with his actions and well thought out arguments. For example last night it was cold (35*) and he had on a short sleeved t-shirt and I was telling him, not asking, to put on a jacket, which is usually something that I am lax about, and he kept saying he didn't need one. I found myself pleading with him as we walked into an indoor play area. He finally said "Mom, everybody has different feelings. Just because you are cold doesn't mean that I am." *sigh* He was right. He is his own person, I know this, and most of the time I do not allow society to determine my feelings of worth as a parent, but for some reason yesterday I was feeling the need to walk within the societal norms without bucking the system and allowed that need of mine to get the  best of me. After his comment to me I took a look at whether or not that jacket was more important than his need to be himself. Even though this persistence of his works on my last nerve at times. This is the same persistence that enabled him to take the last five years in karate and train hard and earn his second degree black belt.

Before this precious boy came into my life I was broken. I still am broken, but I am heading down the path to being healed. This in part thanks to him. I watch him in wonderment as he lives his life as only he sees fit. It doesn't matter to him what society thinks, only what he thinks. I aspire to live my life with this freedom.

Letting go...

As I allow the walls to crumble down, exposing my vulnerability and weaknesses, I feel the need to let go of the past. The past is no longer who I am, it has shaped me into who I have become, however I will no longer allow it to control me, or my future for that matter.  I have allowed many situations from my past to continually control me in the present, some in a good way, others in not such a wonderful way. At this point I have made the decision to let it all go.

1)      I will no longer allow the actions of others to controls my feelings or actions.

2)      I will no longer dwell on the past. What is done is done and I cannot change that.
3)      I will no longer worry about the future either.
4)      I will no longer hold a grudge (as I have so often been known to do.)
5)      I will no longer base my happiness on how others are acting or treating me.
6)      I will no longer worry about money and material possessions.
7)      I will no longer wait to do things that I have always wanted to do.
8)     I will no longer try to control every aspect of my life, and others around me.

As I was writing this blog I stumbled across this wonderful article (it was actually on my home page after I had written out the above) and it basically sums up everything that I am feeling that I need to let go of in this very moment.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/most-popular/11-things-to-give-up-in-2011.html

I think that over the next few days I will try to touch on each of these things that I want to let go of and explain a little in depth about how I plan on achieving that, but for now I will leave you with a list of things that I WILL be doing in 2011.

1)      I will seek out things that I want to do and do them.

2)      I will rid my life completely of all of those that I feel are toxic to me.

3)      I will forgive and move on.

4)      I will take more time to focus on me.

The walls are falling.....and I will live

I purchased a desk calendar with insights from the Dalai Lama so that I could utilize it in helping me remember exactly what is important. It’s not that I don’t know, it’s that often times I forget and need reminded or reassured of what is important in my life, as well as my family.

“Don’t simply believe what I say without question, but use it as a basis for personal reflection and, in that way, develop your understanding of the Dharma.” ~His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

The quote above was the one that we started the year with and I find that it has me thinking about how so many people go through life just listening to what others are telling them to do or to believe.  I grew up in household where I never questioned why things were happening, at least not out loud for others to hear, which led to me being put into situations that were less than favorable by those that were supposed to love and protect me. I made the conscious decision to never use the words “because I said so” with my children. I always attempt to give them a reason as to why things are happening in the hopes that they will question people who want them to follow blindly.

So as we make our way through life, be sure to question what is going on around you that may affect you directly, or even indirectly. It truly dumbfounds me as to how many people have no clue about the state of affairs going on around them. You cannot believe every word that the media, the government, your doctor, or those in power throw at you, you need to question it. Use as much, or as little of what they say as you wish, taking into account what applies to you and your life and then research the hell out of it.

I recently had a discussion about the fact that I allow my children to question my motives, as well as those of others. People cannot believe that I have allowed my children to make decisions in regards to their lives and how they want to live them. I mean after all it is their life, right? The person that I was discussing this with does not believe that children should have a say in what happens and the adults raising them should call all the shots, which is something that I don’t understand. How is it that just because I am an adult I should know what is best for another human being? I do not know exactly what it is my children are feeling, experiencing or desiring. I can only do my best to guide them to know “right” from “wrong”, not by demanding that things be done my way because my way is what is “right” for me, but by showing them compassion and understanding as they find their way into what feels “right” for them.  I assure them that their interests and passions are just as valid as mine, even though they may be different.

I understand that many think that because we, as adults, have experienced life more than a child that we have a better understanding of the world around us, but that is not always the case. Adults tend to see the world around us with jaded eyes. We have experienced pain, as well as joy, yet we tend to focus more on the painful experiences that we have been through, and allow them to control our outlook on life. Is it “right” for us to pass on our jaded views to young, impressionable minds? Or shall we allow them to experience life as they see it, pure and exciting?

Up until recently, I viewed the world through jaded eyes. I have been used, hurt and beat down throughout much of my life and I allowed those times to control the way I was seeing the world.  I never felt that I deserved to be happy. I never felt that I was worthy of praise, because no matter how much I did, it never came.  I literally felt worthless. I allowed those times to affect the relationships that I have been in because I had built a wall to protect myself from all those previous painful moments. Granted I had no idea as to whether or not the person that I was entering into the relationship with was going to hurt me, but I had to be prepared. I had to protect myself, and my heart. The energy that went into maintaining the wall as my friends, and partners tried to break through, would never allow me to pour myself into those relationships as I should have. There were moments in which I would allow somebody in partially, only to push them away with some unrealistic expectation. It was a defense mechanism. If I was hurting the person, then I could not be hurt.

I realize now how damaging it was and that I needed to change the way I was looking at the world. I have finally decided to allow the walls to fall and just get out there and be me. I am letting go of my past and looking forward to seeing what the future will bring. Thankfully over the years I have begun to question what is said to me, reflect upon it, research it and make my own decision based on what is “right” for me.  I only hope that my children can say the same, without having to wait 30+ years to realize it. 

And to end it, another quote from a desk calendar given to me by Kyley:

"There is something so beautiful that children do: They charm you and demand that you stay in the present with them....There is something very enriching about trying to live in the moment." ~ Julia Ormond

And live in the moment I will...from this day forward.