Monday, January 5, 2009

Happy Birthday Little Man....

So today is the little man's birthday, he is now 7 years old. I cannot believe how fact the time has gone by. I feel like he was just a baby....and soon he will be a black belt in tang soo do. YIKES! This coming Monday, Jan 12th, he will be testing for his adv. brown belt, which means just 6 short months before he can test for his black belt as long as he knows his stuff....which he is pretty good on. It doesn't seem possible.

 

I am still confused. Still thinking. Still working.....will post about it soon I hope. I am just trying to sort of some things in my head.

 

More soon...I promise.

Full House....

*not sure why this didn't publish last night, but I did blog this on Jan 4, 2009.

 

Wow.....please tell me again why I continue to host things in my *all too small of a house*.....we had a combined b-day party last night for Dawson (7), my neice K (5), my cousin A (18) and my mom. Ya I know what you are thinking....it's all good though. Things went fairly well despite the fact that my house was standing room only for the most part. lol. Dawson is pretty excited about his new gift....a GUITAR! He played for a good while last night and really can't wait to start learning how to really play.

 

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009

umm....ya....

Um. Ya. No words really to describe the day. Well....there are but I am not sure I am ready to put them into words yet. I need some time to digest everything that has been going on.

 

On another note, Dawson is not feeling well...he has been complaining off and on since Dec. 30th of stomach pain, sometimes dull, sometimes severe. I am not really sure what is going on with his. He woke this morning with pains, he was screaming out...poor little guy. We tried to get some food in him, but it didn't work very well. He laid around for the better part of the morning, just resting and drinking. Then for lunch he was hungry...he ate a bit, and was doing ok...then started complaining again. He is  now napping on the couch....(SO RARE) and is pretty restless.....he creeps getting into the fetal position and wimpering a bit. Ugh...I think we might be heading to the ER depending on how he is when he wakes.

 

Well....hopefully I will find the words that I want to express in time for tomorrows blog. As for now...I am off to cuddle my little man.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

A New Year, A New Me

Ok, I have been thinking about my TO DO list. I have decided on a few things that I want to do and I thought I would write them down so that perhaps it will give me more incentive. I am going to start in SMALL steps. So....I will be adding to the list as I check off what I get done.

 

I WILL lose 10lbs.

 

I WILL be sure to get a complete physical.

 

 

 

 

Over the course of the year.....

 

I WILL read 2 books a month.

 

I WILL take at least 1 road trip a month.

 

I WILL pick up my camera EVERYDAY...no matter what. I haven't been using it as much as I would like. I have to start getting good use out of it, especially if I want to upgrade soon.

 

I WILL be trying to blog daily, even if it is just about my day or a random picture.

 

I WILL market myself more this year. I need to get more business.

 

I know I will be coming back to this, but this is my start.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Ultimatum

Ok...so my latest blog is going to be a HUGE rant. I tend to use this as my outlet so...that's what I am going to do.

The latest drama in my life is caused by none other than.....for those of you who know me personally.....you can probably guess...MATT'S FAMILY! His brothers (M and Z) are not exactly the most upstanding citizens, shoot that's even giving them a little. They are the poorest excuse for a man that I can think of. Let  me give a little background for those of you that don't really know. Both of them are still living at home, (they are both over 30) not paying their mother a dime, in fact she pays ALL of their bills....car insurance, work insurance, child support, and even has purchased them both vehicles because they are unable to hold down a job because apparently friends and drugs are more important to them. They expect the entire world to revolve around them. The will think nothing of calling over here and asking Matt for money (despite the fact that he is laid off and we have a family...and it is Xmas time) so that they can put gas in their cars and when he refuses they get pissed off. They are extremely selfish, and will do ANYTHING it takes to get what they want and WHEN they want it. The one (Z) has even put his SON (S, who is 6) in danger by taking him to buy heroin FREQUENTLY in a not so nice part of town. He was finally arrested buying heroin with his son and his son spent the afternoon in a police holding tank until Matt's mother was able to get to him. This isn't the 1st time he has been arrested, but it was the 1st time he had his son with him. The other one (M) has also been arrested his fair share of times...his latest is a felony gun charge, he was picked up at a KNOWN crack house and he had an unlicensed gun on him. Anyway.....their mother has ALWAYS bailed them out. However she complains to Matt and I about what losers they are, and how tired she is of everything that they do, and the situations  that they are always putting her in. After the time that Z was arrested with S she swore that she couldn't let him back into the house, and he HAD to go to rehab. Well, that latest all of about 2 days. She bailed him out of jail and then let him back into the house. He was supposed to get rehab (court ordered) so that he could maintain visitations with his son. Well she was set to take him to rehab, and then he talked her out of it, saying that he could do it at home. (which mind you she has done numerous times before, because she thought she could cure him with the Bible) Well needless to say that DIDN'T work. They are both still using, and stealing in the process. They have stolen from her, set up a payday loan in Matt's name, and stolen from random people. The friends that they hang out with are constantly in trouble as well. But anyway....

 

Our most recent dilemma is they are being accused of stealing power tools (which I wouldn't doubt. Z has been showing Matt these power tools that he SUPPOSEDLY bought at a pawn shop) from a VERY shady character. A friend of Matt's called him up on Saturday and told him that this guy (they are neighbors) is gathering a crew of guys to handle the situation (ie beat the shit of out Z and M) I, personally, was ok with this. They need something, maybe this is it. Well, Matt being the ass that he is decides that he needs to smooth things over. Well he tells this guy to give him a day or so to try to figure things out and see if he can find out any information. Well these guys were then "watching" our house Sunday. These guys are not people to mess with.  The one set his mother's house on fire WITH HER IN IT, because she was messing around with another man in there. They have also broken many of legs/arms to find out information. So, needless to say I am worried about MY family now because of this fucking mess that they are in. Well fast forward to  Monday night. The guy calls our house (YES he found our phone number) and told Matt to take him over to his mother's garage so that he can see if his tools are there. Well, I know this guy isn't going alone so I told Matt, that he wasn't going. I told him to call his mom's house and see if his brothers were there. Well they were. Fine....problem solved, right? Call the guy back and tell him Z and M are there, and let THEM deal with it. Tell the guy that you don't talk to your brothers and have NO IDEA what they are into. Simple way to stay out of it. I have done it many times with my extended family. I don't want MY family...meaning Matt and the kids....in ANY situation or potential situation that could be dangerous to them. I don't want them associating with people that could potentially put us into a questionable situation. And I certainly won't be associating with anybody that would do it either. I have severed ties with one of my brothers after he stole money from my bank account, I have severed ties with my father because of things he has done in my past (and in doing that I have lost contact with 2 of my brothers, who were babies when I lost contact...his children from another marriage), I have minimal contact with my mother because of her choices she has made in regards to the men she dates and her drug/alcohol use. I don't have a problem severing ties in order to PROTECT my family. It is my job as a mother to do so. I will do anything....and I MEAN ANYTHING to ensure that they are safe, if that means severing ties with family then so be it. I know the old adage, blood is thicker than water. I agree with this in regards the family that *I* created. However, when people continuously put themselves and others in danger with the wrong choices, I find it hard to feel sympathy for them...FAMILY or NOT! I am a strong believer in the saying...You made your bed, you LIE in it! We are all free to make our own decisions in life and every decision that you make affects your next step in this life...and you and ONLY you are responsible for them.

Well, I got a little off track there...so back on track. On Monday, the guy calls, Matt agrees to take him over there, I call his mom's house and realize his brothers are there, Matt then calls his mom and his dad to try to explain the situation to them. Well while he was talking to his dad, his brother M calls and starts screaming that he is suing the guy for defamation of character and slander because of these accusations (which by the way he ALWAYS does anytime he is busted on something) well while he is screaming at Matt, the guy shows up at the house (their mom's  house) and runs into Z...who was just getting home from hunting, and these guys come down the driveway and he pulls his gun out on them. Well during this M hangs up on Matt. Matt starts freaking out saying I have to go over there....fine...You go...I am calling the cops. Matt starts fighting me on this, telling me not to call the cops, he can handle it. Well I told him it didn't matter....if he walked out the door....911 was getting called. Well he calls his dad to see if  his dad was on the way...and then leaves to go over there. While Matt was arguing with me though about calling the cops, Z calls over here. He asks if Matt was here, I say...yep....*silence*.....he says....what's he doing?....me...ummm standing here. him...well can I talk to him? ok....well Matt gets on the phone and starts being all nice to him, coddling him like he always does. Well I have had enough and I press the hang up button. I refuse to allow Matt to enable them any further by babying them. Well Z calls back....Matt is telling me to tell them that I did it...I hung up on him. OK I don't have a problem with that.. I answer the phone. Z says...Jill is Matt there? Me....YEP....*silence* Z...can I talk to him? Me....NOPE....Z....hangs up.....2 secs later..phone rings.....its Z....Matt says don't answer I am going over there. Fine...he leaves. I call 911. Well apparently somebody else had already called and they were there. As Matt was leaving I told him to make sure that Z and M know NOT to call here anymore, I will no longer associate with them....they endangered my family...and I won't tolerate it. Matt says Fine. Well as I was calling the cops, Dawson was freaking out because he didn't want to see his uncles in trouble. Well at this point I was DONE.....completely done. I don't ever hide things from my children. I make certain that they know things that are going on. They know why we  don't see grandma often....they have never met my father...and they know why (for the most part)....and they also know about my brother as well. Well I told them....Z and M are bad people who do bad things and don't think about how their actions hurt the people around them.

Anyway....Matt comes home....starts explaining things to me, how the guy got loud....yet his brothers maintained calm (they were stoned)....and the cops didn't really solve anything because they weren't able to get into the one garage. Well...anyway....I decided that I didn't want to hear anymore because Matt had EVERY excuse to defend his brothers. I am tired of hearing it. I am not sure why that entire family continues to defend their actions. Blood isn't THAT THICK! So....5 mins later the phone rings...it's his mom's house. I pick up. It's Z....he says...hey Jill....is Matt there? me...yep....*silence*.....Z....well can I talk to him? me...no please don't call here anymore. Thank you bye. I hang up. Phone rings again....it's Z....I picked up...hello....he starts screaming...I don't know what the fuck your problem with me is. I haven't done anything to you. Me...Yes you have....You are getting my family involved in shit that it doesn't need to be in....Z starts screaming again...fuck you cunt...you're such a bitch....then hangs up on me. Dawson overheard all this and was now devastated that his uncle was such an ass. Fine....I tell Matt...there are you happy. Are you going to finally wake up and realize the shit that those 2 put this family through? And are you going to call back over and stand up for YOUR family....Me and the kids. To which he then says....you started this. It's your battle. Fine....just as I suspected....they mean more to you than we do. Why in the FUCK are you still here then? I just, for once, want you to stand up for me to your family. I want to come 1st. I want to matter more. Well he says he isn't calling over there to sever ties until this deal with the trailer is done. (That's another story...but he is going to get screwed over by M yet again.) Well...I won't wait that long. I told him he has till the end of the week to choose....US or THEM. As much as I HATE putting up this ultimatum it HAS to be done. I won't continue to risk my family's health and well being for a bunch of low life drug addicts.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Love...

Love. What is love? Well the dictionary defines love as follows:
Main Entry: 1love
Pronunciation: 'l&v
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love love>
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration love> b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR
7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized, Christian Science : GOD
Love is such an intense, complex, complicated emotion to define that even the dictionary has 9 different (though sort of the same) ways to describe it. But this doesn't really tell you what LOVE really is.
Love has no boundaries, at least it shouldn't if it is "real" love. You cannot limit love based on gender, color, age, religion, or status for that matter. So, this actually has me thinking, if love has no boundaries and you cannot control who you love, then who is to say that you cannot love more than one mate. Now, just hear me out. I am not saying that we ALL should take on multiple partners, or become polygamists or anything like that, just think about this with an open mind.
Love is a very complex emotion, and can be determined and felt in many different ways. I mean, we certainly do not love every person in the same way. We don't love our parents the same, we don't love our friends the same, and most parents (even though they will deny it) don't love their children the same. This isn't saying that we love one child more than the other, we just love them differently. We love them each for their own personalities. Now still keeping your mind open, transfer all of those emotions onto a "mate." Is there a reason, other than society's taboo, that we cannot fully love two mates, I mean obviously no two people are the same, so they can both bring you a very intense feeling of love, even though they may be different kinds of love. Just as we love our children for their individual traits, the same can be said for lovers.
Perhaps polyamorists/polygamists know something more about love and life than we do. Putting religious and societal convictions aside regarding marriage and union, these people are allowing themselves to love and be loved by more than one person, which one would think would give each individual a sense of feeling completely loved. I know there are times in my relationships where I feel that things are lacking, and despite open communication there are times when these voids cannot be filled by my one mate, whether it be because he is not capable of doing what I would like, or whether it be a time constraint, or the fact that he just really does not want to fulfill that need. And I am sure the same can be said for him as well. I am sure that I don't fulfill his every desire either, and finding another mate that would fulfill that could possibly make things better for all of us involved. Granted this would all have to be experiences with an open mind, because jealousy can be a cruel emotion.
Now, no bashing here. I realize that relationships are supposed to be a compromise, and on all the "important" issues it should be. This is what makes a relationship work. But what about on the not so "important" issues, like going to the theater or the ballet, or certain hobbies and things. Why not spare your one "mate" the agony of attending these, as spare yourself the lack of enthusiasm (and possibly the following arguement) by attending this with another "mate" who enjoys it?
Ok...say I wiki'd love as well...and this is what wiki has to say about it:

The definition of love is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection. In ordinary use, love usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing, including oneself (cf. narcissism). Dictionaries tend to define love as deep affection or fondness.[1] In colloquial use, according to polled opinion, the most favoured definitions of love involve altruism, selflessness, friendship, union, family, and bonding or connecting with another.[6]
The different aspects of love can be roughly illustrated by comparing their corollaries and opposites. As a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of like), love is commonly contrasted with hate (or neutral apathy); as a less sexual and more mutual and "pure" form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with lust; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is commonly contrasted with friendship, although other connotations of love may be applied to close friendships as well.
More on it here....LoveNow I know it is talking about lust here, but that is not what I am talking about. Yes, I know many people get love and lust confused. But what I am talking about is fully loving two or more people. I don't want to bring religion or societal taboo into this, just your heart and emotions. Granted many outside influences affect how we personally view things, which is why I like to look at everything with an open mind, and that's all I am asking of you. Look at this with an open mind, a completely open mind. What are your feelings on this?